Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize