I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
