My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
There are leaves in my underwear?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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