I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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