I think i sorta joined a cult last night
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
