Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
