What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
