I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Couch. On fire.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
