She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
