how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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