Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
