I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
