We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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