im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
