Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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