3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
