dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
