it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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