just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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