i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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