buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Randomize
