he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
