I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize