if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
