I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
