Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
