I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
