I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
