Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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