My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
