my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
