I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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