I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
