listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
