I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize