I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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