remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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