you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
