he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
