she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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