you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
