Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
