the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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