there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
