He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize