Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
