I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
