You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The power of my boobs compel you
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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