How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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