I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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