My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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