The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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