Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
