Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
