it's not cheating when I paid for it
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
