I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
