Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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