Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
