It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
