Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
