He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
