they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
