I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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