A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
