omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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